Willy T. Ribbs Report: Edmonton

Imagine for a second that Butler beat Duke for the NCAA Championship. Imagine that Gordon Heyward DRILLED the last second half-court heave, and that there was complete joy & euphoria & widespread economic prosperity throughout all of America.

But imagine that it was short-lived.

Because for demonstrative purposes, imagine that the referee WAIVED OFF the final shot because of an illegal screen set by Matt Howard a split-second before the shot was launched. Personal foul. No basket. Duke wins. America riots & martial law is declared.

In some parallel universe, perhaps this happened. And in that parallel universe, head referee Brody Boreheart explained his controversial call in a postgame press-conference. This is that press conference.

Fare-Thee-Well, Mr. Lewis

IndyCar’s VP of Marketing John Lewis resigned yesterday. His list of achievements & contributions over the past 16 years is profound, and far too extensive to cover now. League resignations & such things typically go uncovered here, for that is not our business. But this is different. Because at the absolute very BOTTOM of his list of contributions to IndyCar? The Silent Pagoda.

Indeed, this site was wholly & completely devised by John Lewis. This is HIS baby, really; I’m simply the reluctant au pair. In fact, I was reluctant the day he asked me to write for IndyCar.com:

Willy T. Ribbs Report: Toronto

Thanks to a bevy of law school loans that never go away & my money-pit kids & my wife’s unfathomably expensive haircuts every two weeks, I have an approximate net worth of negative-$117,054.

And yet, inexplicably, I employ the services of a Certified Financial Planner. Why? I’m not entirely sure, really. Other than the fact that I’m supposed to; it seems to be what successful people do. This is laughable & insane, of course, seeing as how I have no assets to move. Or buy. Or look at. Or even reasonably pretend to look at. It’s a useless exercise that serves nobody well — namely, my poor CFP, who I’m dragging down into the financial abyss with me. (“Listen here! If the BP shares come down another 45,000%, BUY BUY BUY!!!”) A total waste of time & resources, I am.

To put it another way, this is like a rotted corpse employing the services of a personal fitness instructor. It makes no sense. None.

And neither does the fact that IndyCar Series drivers employ the services of publicists hellbent on polishing up their “media skills.” This too is laughable & insane.

Open Mic: July 14th Edition

On this date in 1789, citizens of Paris became so fed up with the French royal authority that they took up arms and STORMED THE BASTILLE. That’s where the phrase “STORM THE BASTILLE!” comes from, I believe.

One Final Pitch from the Delta Wing

Hey there, IZOD IndyCar Series. You made a decision yet? Time’s running out, you know. I heard you might be going home with Lola. Or Swift. And let me just tell you, baby — that’d be a mistake. A BIG mistake. Let me tell you why.

[spins chair around, sits in it backwards]

Willy T. Ribbs Report: Watkins Glen

 

{ABC/ESPN’s Final Pre-Production Meeting — July 3, 2010}

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Alright, folks. Time to get to it. Let’s really bear down now. We have TONS of details to iron out before tomorrow. This race won’t broadcast itself, you know. Let’s be sharp & get prepared.

[room simultaneously erupts into laughter]

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: HAHAHA!! Oh that’s rich!!! Seriously though — this meeting is hereby adjourned. It’s time to bear down on these cases of beer. Tom, will you do the honors?

TECHNICAL DIRECTOR:  [sounds a Viking horn]  BRING FORTH THE STRIPPERS!!!